Saturday, September 22, 2012

chemicals and babies

I had a bit of a cry on the train home today.

There was a really little girl that looked like a tiny version of me.  she was wearing a fairy costume and had an Abby Cadabby showbag.

I cried because I realised that right now my choices mean I will probably not have children.  And that is bullshit because I have wanted a little girl for so long it hurts.

Sounds dramatic? Of course it does. But I have fertility issues that mean things were always going to be a bit complicated. The longer I wait, the less chance I have.

I'm almost 29. It's really very young for most things. But not for this.

Even if I fall in love tomorrow, and embark on the perfect relationship, I'm on the back foot now. I spent four years building a life with Mr G so we could have babies. That's all changed now. I somewhat feel like I'm never going to have any and I need to just be OK with that.

So I cried and felt very alone.

Then I thought the same thing I always think. How do I stop caring about this?

Science. Science is always the answer. I found myself some poorly written and dubious articles about chemicals and hormones. I love that. Forget the studies, if fake science tells me what I need to hear, it'll do just fine.

Emotion can be stripped down and de-humanised. It makes acceptance of shitty things easier. Sure, it's hurting and it's horrible. But I am just a machine. A human machine that is programmed to feel like this. Humans are meant to breed. It's our function. Breed, then protect the young.

I get ONE day to feel upset about this. I am allowing myself one small day (a Sunday at work where I will get to see heaps of cute babies) to be mopey. That's all. Because chemicals don't deserve more.

Yeah, I know. It hasn't really worked. But I'm not crying anymore. So fuck you oxytocin and co. Take you away and I bet I didn't really want babies anyway.