Sunday, April 22, 2012

Not fair and very painful


I just got spammed by Mr N.

Some stupid link called snowplowingtoronto. I doubt it's actually him - it's just spam. I feel sick. Is it worth emailing him to ask him to take me off his address book? I can't email him. I just can't. Ohhhhhhh I feel SICK.

This is not a normal reaction. I miss him. I miss him horribly. The worst part is that I actually got excited about getting the email. I clicked on it without thinking.

This is actually a little bit cruel.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Monash and hypnosis

I had my first seminar this week. It was exciting, but a bit upsetting because I had to go up to the 6th floor of the Menzies building. Everything has changed. I was a little bit shocked because the area where I used to sit and eat my lunch is now a little classroom with glass doors. You can see in, but without a pass you sure as hell can't get in. The seminar was in this same glass box, and as I walked in I couldn't help but feel a little bit sad. I have a very strong memory of Mr N talking to me there. I remember being worried that I was falling in love with him. Ha ha ha. So funny I could cry.

It's interesting how a building makeover can completely rob an area of the memories associated with it. In a way it's fantastic for me. I can have a completely new experience without expecting him to walk around the corner.

Anyway, aside from my Monash adventure, I had a very exciting week because I went to see a hypnotist in a last ditch effort to get over my social anxiety and fear of public speaking. Yes, I realise it sounds a bit mad. The guy I saw was absolutely lovely. Naturally I was scared and anxious, but he completely charmed me (which is good since it's his job).

Apparently I'm highly susceptible to suggestion. I found that interesting. It was very easy for me to go along with the visualisation because I day-dream ALL the time. My eyelids were fluttering which is meant to be a good sign. I didn't notice that. All I noticed was that my arms and fingers were a bit twitchy. Perhaps they're always twitchy but I'm never still enough to focus on them.

The big question is, did it work? I certainly felt less anxious afterwards, to the point where I walked home in the dark without the usual 'oh my god I'm going to be mugged' feeling. Tonight I'm going to a party where I barely know anyone - but I'm not upset or worried about it (bored yes, distressed no). The real test will be speaking up at work. I'm great if it's 1-on-1 but if it's more than 5 or 6 people I get uncomfortable.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

A disco ate my uni

Last week I went into Monash to hand in some forms. On my way back to the bus loop, I went through the Menzies building - this ugly old beast of a thing that has windowless rooms and escalators that never work.

It's turned into a freaking nightclub. It looks so slick inside, I actually stopped to gape for a while. Then I felt terrible and left as soon as I could.

Mr Museum is lucky enough to teach at Caulfield. He agreed that it's a disaster for anyone who took classes in ye olde Menzies. It was a right of passage to clamber up those stairs, and collapse on the broken furniture. I have some lovely memories of that building, including the first class I took with Mr N. He accused me of not doing a good job of turning the pages of the Bible we were sharing. I was doing an excellent job - he was just upset because I was in charge.

Sigh. I suppose it's a new degree and a new building. I don't handle change well. I'll take some pictures the next time I go there. I don't think that any of you were Monash people, but at least you can see the neon glow and understand my old person confusion.