Can't sleep, so panic.

It's past 11pm. I can't sleep, and I need to get up early tomorrow.

Today I did loads of uni work, which should have put me at ease. Instead I'm more freaked out than ever because I underestimated the epic pile of stuff that needs doing.

Fuuuuck.

Yes

http://thesiswhisperer.com/2011/10/20/5-ways-to-soothe-an-anxious-phd-student/

That's why I love my dad so much. When I cry about work he just feeds me then leaves me the fuck alone.

People DIE from thesisitis. It's a real thing and it can really kill you. Or cause your partner/friends to kill you. My psych said it's as painful and stressful as giving birth.  I couldn't comment since I am child-free.  Still, I'm in pain and I'm stressed and it's my baby, so I sort of understand.*

I'm back in the game today with 4 major problems solved and a vague idea of when I can send the draft to mum for a good hearty editing.

*No I don't. It's probably nothing like children.

timing

This is tough. I work full-time and I need to fit in 16 hours of thesis work a week.  I have the following options.

Both of these options assume that I get to work at 8am, and therefore wake up at 6:30am. If I want to workout, I need to be up at 5:30am.  This means getting to bed at 9-9:30 EVERY NIGHT. Which I'd be quite happy with. But they also only give me 3-4 hours a week of house stuff, which means cooking, cleaning, laundry and grocery shopping. That doesn't sound feasible. Timetable 1 gives me 10 hours of spare time, two which are non-negotiable. Timetable 2 gives me an entire Sunday off, but a brutal Saturday.

This is the final winner. I am now available for Sunday breakfast bookings. Nobody can encroach on any other times because it will ruin me and I might cry.

It's a bit hard knowing that my two great loves take up all my time. I have no people on this timetable.  My psych told me that the thesis is a real commitment, and I have to treat it as such.

True. I should know that. It's a second job really.

I can budget.

I've given up.

I am a shell of my former self.

The only thing I have right now is that I can budget so well I have somehow managed to save a few hundred dollars in my 'emergency' account in a stupidly short space of time.

So I've decided to open a 'frivolous things' account. I NEED this account so that I can place my hope and faith in material goods.

I will buy a jaunty hat, a stuffed crow and a colourful array of headbands.

HA HA HA! I will conquer this nasty 'emergency' feeling by purchasing things.

Coffee addiction

I say I have three cups of coffee a day. But what I mean is I get to three then I stop counting.

Yesterday I didn't have any coffee at all. And I got a raging headache and felt like shit.

Today I also didn't have any coffee, and I got a headache and felt average.

My body is exhausted. My mind is shattered and I am not coping well at all. I have no ability to withstand suggestion. Someone says "let's do this" and I just say "sure" without considering all the factors - travel, time, fatigue.

So I drank coffee to keep going. I was at the point where I couldn't function without it. Mr G and I had to make an emergency stop at a cafe after the funeral.

So I'm stopping with the coffee. I can't gauge how well I feel if I'm dosed up on caffeine all day. It sucks. I'll have even less energy. Work, thesis, food. No friends, no loved ones. I almost cried on a 10 minute walk today. I can't spread my time/energy out anymore.

I give it until the end of November. If I'm not starting to get better by then, I'm taking unpaid leave and moving home. I just can't do this.